Moment of Transparency will pop-up from time to time. It’s a moment when anything I say can and probably will be held against me, but it is the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God.
Do you remember what it felt like to play team sports in elementary school? You’re up for a game of dodge ball and everyone gets picked except for you. You end up getting chosen as a last resort and thus you play like a last-round draft pick. Well I had that kind of experience this past weekend at an event that a friend of a friend threw.
It was called “The Three.” The concept is that the host of the party invites three guys and three girls and each of the three invites an additional two people. I loved the concept upon being invited but I didn’t put much thought into what would happen if I was “The Last Woman Standing.”
The night begun like any normal party, we played ice-breaker games and Taboo–my personal favorite. But then, a group of men walked in that brought the vibe of the party down from a 10 to a 2. I admit that sometimes I do jump to conclusions before giving the benefit of the doubt, but since I actually prayed before I went to this event I trusted my discernment that the 5 new men that walked through the door were all jokers.
As the night continued, the lights got dimmer, the music got a little sexier–as sexy as Blackstar can get you–and people were coupled off. I started the night off with potential and that potential floated off to another potential. I guess it was naive of me to believe I made a connection that secured my potential for the night.
So there I sat in front on the chips & dips. It was like a scene out of a movie. I couldn’t figure out if I felt sorry for myself or if that was my exhaustion talking, but I tried to look like I was having a good time by myself. I pressed on in my chair and bobbed my head to the conscious rap playing in the background until W.I. came along.
W.I. was a sweaty young man whose eyes were half shut from imbibing cheap liquor. But though his eyes were all but sealed shut, he managed to pry them open long enough to give me the X-ray vision stare. For those that know me, you are well aware of what my default face looks like, but couple that face with the “I am tired, bored and ornery” and I could honestly say I wasn’t sitting pretty.
Despite all of this, W.I. decides to sit down and attempts to engage me in conversation all whilst looking down my top. In my head I was thinking, “God, why does this always happen to me.” I couldn’t figure out why of all the people that I could have been talking to in the room–or even not talking to, this is the one person that comes to speak to me. I was disgusted and practically on the verge of tears. That’s when I felt like the kid that got picked last on the dodge ball team. Everyone was at least entertained by the potential in front of them while I was in disdain with the lack of, sitting next to me.
While he was talking about wine importing, criminal records and spending the night, I was having an internal dialogue about why in the hell–yes I said it–do I attract absolute losers.I continued this inner dialogue until the wine importer asked me why I was sitting by myself. I said “It just happened that way.” He asked me why I thought it happened that way and I said, “It always does.” Immediately his drunken face turned into one of sober disdain as he started to ruminate on why I should be by myself. And I’ll tell you what…I actually agreed with him. I didn’t bother to argue the finer points of why I am by myself–like it’s just not God’s will, it’s circumstance, etc–but it made me realize that I don’t desire to be by myself.
It made me think about the fact that I do feel like I am always last picked and the late bloomer in many areas of my life which further annoyed me because it reminded me of the fact that I could very well be single until my mid-30s. That’s not a bad thing, but it’s difficult to fathom when most of my closest friends are on their way down the aisle, in established relationships or at least going out on dates periodically.
I know that I shouldn’t try to understand why I am single because this is where God has me right now. It’s just that when you are put in the position to think about matters of the heart it is actually heart-breaking. That’s the honest to God truth. I am like India.Arie in that “I Am Ready For Love” and I am just wondering why it is hiding from me…