The Loudmouth Protestant

August 31, 2007

He Won’t Leave Me Alone

Filed under: dreams,God — nickisym @ 6:06 pm

Long ago I knew this man–or maybe then he was only a boy–but nevertheless I knew him. Not in the biblical sense of “knowing” another, but I knew him well enough to believe that I could give him the good parts of myself. After almost three years of knowing this young man, giving him the best tangibles and intangibles of myself and crying countless times over him because I was forever in the darkness with him, I let it go. I cut him cold turkey save for one Easter Sunday when I wanted to get closure about the “us” that never existed. By the grace of God my period of heartbreak was easy. It took a lot of praying, digging in his word and reading relevant books but He saw me through.

But there is one thing that has been bothering me for the past 2.5 years. The fact that though he doesn’t exist in my immediate reality, he exists in my dreams more vividly than he ever existed in my life. Last night was the most recent of these dreamscapes.

It was me and about four other women whom had some connection to him in a previous or current life and then there was me. The two of us made plans to go out, but these four girls were also waiting for him to arrive for some reason unknown to me.  When he finally arrived, he was in utter shock that all of these women were waiting for him and so he tried to make amends with each of them except for me. As he spoke to each each of them, his words where inaudible to me but he knew that I was within earshot.

After he spoke to the last of the women, he stood in the middle of us. It was four of them, him in the middle and me on the other side. He was motionless and his eyes dilated and the next thing I know, he fainted. As the weight of his body turned to that of lead and slowly inched toward the floor, I raced toward him quick enough to catch his fall. The other women stood by and watched as I caught him and braced his head and neck so they wouldn’t break under the pressure of the fall and I secured his upper body in my arms. (I told you the dreams are vivid). After a while he came to and all I can remember is that he got up and walked away and off the canvas of my dream.

So when I awoke this morning I was distressed. Distressed that I could have dreams about someone whom I don’t even speak to anymore and haven’t for years. Dreams about someone whom I know nothing about save for what Myspace let me know a year ago. I was distressed to the point of tears–which I held back because like MJB said “I’m Not Gon’ Cry.” I prayed to God to take that cup away from me.

But now I want to find meaning in these recurring dreams of him. They aren’t all as melancholy as I described. Most have favorable endings, but why must I have them? I have prayed to God so many times for Him to wipe the slate clean and erase my memory of him. And it isn’t to say He didn’t do it because 98% of my mindscape is free of thoughts of him, but what of the 2% which occur in dreams???

Is it possible that I have unfinished business? (Oh please God don’t let that be the case.) I mean aren’t we supposed to just leave some people alone. Like a pastor said in Bible Study a few months back, “throw them off the boat.” Then if that is the case, can they be thrown out of my dreamboat too?

Advertisements

5 Comments »

  1. I think by praying to let someone go you inevitably don’t..The praying and the effort can sometimes put that person further in your mind. No matter what the though, even if it’s hate, or an attempt to get rid of them mentally..the fact that the thought is there will keep them in your mind. Instead of trying to let him go, maybe you should let go of the effort to let him go. Maybe pushing him back to the recesses of your mind is letting him come into your dreams. When you end a chapter in your life and you truly want to ‘let something go’ I think ambivalence is important.

    Comment by Kristen Copeland — September 4, 2007 @ 5:15 pm | Reply

  2. Hmm, I’m not sure that I can comprehend that logic because I have prayed to let many people go and God has been diligent in answering those prayers. God doesn’t deal in ambivalence so why would he have me be ambivalent as a way of handling a situation? And probably not clearly stated in the post, this is a periodic dreamscape that occurs every few months so maybe I shouldn’t even be putting such weight on it because it doesn’t really take up that much space, it just an annoyance when it happens because it creeps up after long dormant periods.

    Comment by loudmouthprotestant — September 4, 2007 @ 5:22 pm | Reply

  3. […] God, life, love, relationships — loudmouthprotestant @ 12:19 am A few weeks ago I mentioned someone in my past that has been showing up in my dreams. I’ve had countless conversations about this person to close friends who have given me mixed […]

    Pingback by Confronting Your Ghost « The Loudmouth Protestant — September 19, 2007 @ 10:16 am | Reply

  4. […] God, life, love, relationships — loudmouthprotestant @ 12:19 am A few weeks ago I mentioned someone in my past who has been showing up in my dreams. I’ve had countless conversations about this person to close friends who have given me mixed […]

    Pingback by Confronting Your Ghost « The Loudmouth Protestant — September 19, 2007 @ 10:17 am | Reply

  5. […] “More Than You’ll Ever Know” Myron Butler’s “Stronger” For the first time in 2008, the star of my dreamscapes has decided to make a cameo appearance. This time I faintly know why he was in my subconscious. […]

    Pingback by He’s Back « The Loudmouth Protestant — March 7, 2008 @ 11:00 pm | Reply


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: