The Loudmouth Protestant

February 18, 2008

Jumper Sucked!!!

Filed under: entertainment — nickisym @ 11:43 pm
Tags: , , ,

As a Christian I know that I have a Great Commission to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ and while this may not fall under the umbrella of gospel I need to let the world know how awful “Jumper” is.

Yesterday evening when our original plans fell through, my friends and I decided to take in a movie. I was kind of hoping we might check out the latest romantic comedy “Definitely Maybe” or Daniel Day Lewis’ film which has the whole world saying “I Drink Your Milkshake”–“There Will Be Blood.” But instead my friends decided they wanted to see “Jumper,” a movie that I was faintly familiar with but I figured I’d check it out since I was with good company and there have been times when I saw movies I knew very little about and they ended up being the greatest of all time. Well that was not the case with this film.

The film tells the story of David Rice, a genetic mutant of sorts who is capable of teleporting as long as he has some mental reference. He goes from drowning in a lake to a library, a rundown apartment to the inside of a bank vault, a jazzy apartment at the Time Warner Center to London. He even uses his power to jump from one room to the next and even from one spot on the couch to another. But the overuse of these parlor tricks grow old within the first 30-minutes of the movie. Somehow the producer, director, somebody figured that audiences were going to be wowed by watching a weirdo “jump” around from place to place.

After about 45 minutes of watching him jump around one starts to wonder where this is all going until Samuel Jackson hits the scene in all his white-haired glory. Jackson plays Ronald, a man whose main role in life is to exterminate jumpers in a very Crusade-y way because he believes “No one but God should have the power to be in all places.” (It’s a paraphrase but that is pretty much what he said and it was the most profound line in the movie.) Ronald is the chief of Palladins–an army of people whose main goal in life is to kill jumpers. Given all of these interesting dimensions you figure that the movie would get really good, right? No! But the formula was laid out so well.

A man discovers he has the ability to teleport but then realizes that there is a war being waged against his kind and those that want to extinguish them, this is a great plot. It sounds amazing on paper but it really didn’t translate well on screen. The action scenes were so fast that I couldn’t even tell what was going on. There was so much jumping that I thought I might catch a seizure. It lacked substance. It lacked the answers to the questions I internally asked like: Could they have given the background on the jumper v. Palladin battle? Can we know why the two can’y co-exist particularly if the jumpers aren’t hurting people? How is a jumper made? There were so many unanswered questions and worst of all they threw a love story in the mix which was really just weird and out of place. The love interest was played unsuccesfully by Rachel Bilson of O.C. fame. She did nothing to capture hearts, she was simply Summer Roberts in her movie debut. She had the same snark and snobbery which worked for the O.C. but it didn’t work in this film where she played a waitress at a Houlihan’s that didn’t even look like a Houlihan’s. She really just got in the way because–and this is a no-homo statement–I believe if you are going to have a love interest or a woman in an action film she needs to actually be hot so that when you switch from action to a shot of her mug, people won’t be disappointed and totally lose the verve they had going while watching the fisticuffs. I am sorry for being dreadfully honest, Bilson is a cute girl but I don’t think she has “arrived” to the point of screen siren status.

There are just so many more things I could say about this film but now that hour of power time has come and I must throw off my Ebert & Roper hat, but I will say this…”Don’t believe the hype.” “Buyer Beware.” It really and truly isn’t good and if you must see it, let someone else pay or expense it!



  1. i already knew this movie wasn’t going to be good. i was surprised that it was the number one movie at the box office.

    Comment by mauthor — February 19, 2008 @ 4:05 am | Reply

  2. The filming style of Jumper made me feel like i myself was jumping around… that was cool. I hear the movie’s based on a book too…

    Comment by patrick — February 19, 2008 @ 2:18 pm | Reply

  3. Hello Loudmouth Christian,

    I can’t agree more with your stand on how Jumper has a wonderful idea, but an idea that is screwed up every possible way on film. It lacks substance. The acting was mediocre. For a long time, Bilson just said “can’t you tell me what’s going on? Tell me what’s going on.” I almost puked after she said the same thing three times. The film leaves a lot of loose ends as well, such as the Jumper vs. Palladin history. The love story is just a crock of **it. It is too superficial. It is questionable at the end how the two should live a normal life with each other. If they do live together, they would have a vacuous existence because they are too different. The funny thing is I saw three previews before the show started – 21, Wanted and something else – they all had a bit of funny romance in it that is just impossible to be realistic. Hollywood plays a bit too much of this phony romance these days.

    Regardless of how empty the film was, I think it still deserves number one at the box office for people want to see some action. Revenue is not an indicator of the film’s merit. Jumper lacks meaning, lacks sophistication and it screws up an otherwise brilliant idea for a film; however, it is an action film, which is what people crave. For a long time, we have seen movies with too many artistic qualities or political values that they are beginning to dull our imagination. Take No Country for Old Man, Charlie Wilson’s War, Lions for Lambs etc. I am not criticizing them. They are all great films. But they are excessive in meaning and symbolism that I, at least, felt too much of the burden of living in our world today. Action movies have gone down.

    And Jumper relieved me of an anxiety. It was exhilarating – the car chase, the jumping around and the eye candy of a girl. We need that kind of film once in a while.

    I do recommend people to go see it. Just bear in mind it is pretty much all excitement or “all muscle, no brain”


    Comment by kelevra — February 24, 2008 @ 9:53 pm | Reply

  4. Agree on all of the above. The girl was too ditzy, just couldn’t
    deal with the secrets.

    There is clearly a setup though for sequel in that the mother
    is a palladin and the jumper doesn’t seem too concerned, she is giving
    him a ‘head start’.

    You are also right about the girl, the younger girl was gorgeous,
    the older one we could have done without.

    Sorry to be so cruel.


    Comment by homer smith — January 25, 2009 @ 2:56 am | Reply

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