The Loudmouth Protestant

January 6, 2009

5 Ways to Full-Mode Jack a Mugger

I’ll admit it. I’m obsessed. Ever since I found out that there had been a series of push-in muggings in my neighborhood I haven’t been able to stop playing the scenario of getting mugged in my mind. The way I imagine it, the mugger would roll up on me but I’d hit him or her with some crazy stuff. It ranges from me talking to them to just spazzing out in a manner that they wouldn’t want to take anything from me for fear that it’s contagious. This is all just my imagination. I don’t really want to get mugged. I’m actually pretty petrified because I’m a scary person. I can’t imagine what I would do but surrender my belongings, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want to punk out. So on my way home this evening I came up with five ways to full-mode jack my full-mode jackers. Here goes:

1. Carry a Decoy Bag: Now by announcing this method to the whole world I might very well be exposing myself and giving the hoodrats more tips on how to further embarass their victims, but I’m also going to take a lucky guess that anyone who commits petty crime for a living doesn’t really have the time to surf the Internet and read a blog that would probably make them feel extremely stupid about what they do for a living–oh and let’s not forget convict them and make them see the error of their ways because of the whole “Jesus” thing. Anyways, the decoy bag method is simple. During the winter time, us Northeasterners are lucky to have such wind-chilling temperatures that we have no option but to dress like the Michelin man on a daily basis. Make this ridiculous get-up work for you by wearing your real bag on the inside of your coat. It will work better if it’s a backpack but you could probably use a messenger bag too. Nevertheless this will be your internal bag that you keep underneathe your Michelin man puffer coat–this is where you’ll keep your wallet, ID, iPod, cell, etc. On the outside you will carry your Louis, Chloe, Faux-y or whatever it is that you have and in this bag you will have nothing in it except for an extra Metrocard, $10 cash and a Bible tract–you know I have to spread the gospel by any means necessary.

2.Spazz Out When They Roll Up: It’s my understanding that people who mug people aren’t very bright and apparently when they are in the midst of mugging you they are quite nervous and scared. Use this to your advantage and throw them completely guard when they come up to you with that tired, “Gimme your wallet” foolishness. As soon as you sense you’re about to get jacked start spazzing out. Dance, do the snake, do the wop, do the peanut butter and jelly with a baseball bat, don’t just stand there, bust a move. Always dance in motion, dance around them and all the while make it look like you are reaching for your wallet so they’ll feel like you are giving them a show. Soon enough they’ll decide you are out of your mind and they’ll move on to the next victim.

3. Suggest another location: I can’t take credit for this one, so I will attribute it to my very cool colleague who let me know that a friend of hers, when he was about to get mugged, told the mugger, “Yeah, this doesn’t really happen here, but you know what? About 20 blocks that way you would do really well.” And would you know? The mugger took the bait and went running 20 blocks in the other direction and my colleague’s friend enjoyed the rest of his evening.

4. Whip Out the Butter Knife: Seeing as though we are always on some color alert it wouldn’t exactly be kosher to walk the streets of your city with abox cutter, Machete or Swiss Army knife, so let’s keep things nice and safe with the butter knife since if you dirty it in your rumble you’ll have many more where that came from. How will it even be effective, you ask? With the butter knife you aren’t aren’t trying to break flesh you are merely trying to taunt them. My suggestion is to simply jab at them–particularly in the underarm, stomach and neck area. Treat the butter knife like you would your finger on a little kid you are tickling and assail your victim until they start giggling. At this point they will let their guard down and you can tell them that it’s getting late and you told your mom you’d be home before the street light came on. They should depart joyfully at this point because it has probably been a longtime since they laughed–the recession can hit you like that.
5. Bust Out the Bible: Any Christian worth their weight in gold knows that the Bible is not only a sword (Ephesians 6:17b) but it’s sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12). There’s ridiculous amounts of power in the Bible, actually there’s ridiculous amounts of power in storing the word up in your heart, but if you haven’t gotten there yet, have a copy on hand to bust out. Psalm 23 is a great one to memorize so you can also spiritually sucker punch your assailant with verses 4-6. But if you really want to mess them up–in more ways than one, take the Samuel L. Jackson “Pulp Fiction” approach  and recite Ezekiel 25:17. If they are somewhat smart they’ll remember this from the movie and be impressed that you have such solid knowledge of pop culture and scripture–somewhat smart meaning they don’t know that the scripture was misquoted and is actually a jumble of a few biblical passages. Either way, it sounds jarring enough to scare a criminal away thinking that if he steals just one penny from you the wrath of God will come upon Him. Reality of the situation is, it will come upon them, if they don’t repent of their sins. So either way, you win. Game over!

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8 Comments »

  1. Nicole! I’m watching the news and there’s a woman who was attacked, robbed and said, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” during the ordeal. Folks need to learn how to plead the blood!

    Love the blog!
    -C

    Comment by C — January 7, 2009 @ 12:17 am | Reply

  2. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read on the blogosphere (and it’s clean!). To that list, I think you can add whipping out a tract and starting to share the gospel at the top of your lungs.

    I am definitely subscribing (and if you stop by my blog, the latest post isn’t funny… you have to backtrack to get some humor).

    Good going, girlfriend (I think you’re a girl, based on the purses above, but I can’t stop to check About or I will have lost this ENTIRE comment. And you wouldn’t want that, would you?).

    Comment by Holiday Longing — January 7, 2009 @ 12:49 am | Reply

  3. Love it! Classy and funny.

    Comment by Ak — January 7, 2009 @ 11:02 am | Reply

  4. My favorite part is the decoy bag..ingenious. Perhaps you should keep something absolutely disgusting in the bottom like rat turds or something to make them regret ever going in someone else’s purse!

    Comment by Kristen Jason — January 7, 2009 @ 12:12 pm | Reply

  5. This is brilliant, Nicole. I have 4 more for you. 1) Fake throwing up when you see them approaching–just start gagging with increasing emotion. It’s been my plan on the subways–if I ever feel like a guy is going to follow me i just start fake gagging and i’ve been safe 🙂 2) Act crazyyyyyyyyy insane just start shouting things and talking to yourself and shaking. This one should work as well. 3) As for fake bodily fluids, they may work quite well if you bust open a tube of fake blood and hand them your soiled pocketbook while looking possessed. 4) Ask for change! About 40 years ago, my teenage father got mugged at yankee stadium and asked the guy for change so he could take the train home–so I agree with you that muggers are not too bright as he handed my dad enough money to get back to brooklyn!

    Comment by Alana — January 7, 2009 @ 4:21 pm | Reply

  6. hahAha! this is funny!

    Comment by chin — January 7, 2009 @ 5:07 pm | Reply

  7. my fav part – “…because it has probably been a longtime since they laughed–the recession can hit you like that.”

    off to sharpen my butter knives…

    Comment by TAN — January 9, 2009 @ 1:18 pm | Reply

  8. This was sooooooooo funny! Sorry it took me forever to read it.

    Comment by Patrice — January 12, 2009 @ 3:24 pm | Reply


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