The Loudmouth Protestant

January 14, 2009

The 1st Rough Day in 2009

Filed under: God,life — nickisym @ 1:31 am
Tags: , , ,

I wasn’t feeling like Ice Cube on January 13th, yesterday wasn’t a good day. While I was fortunate to wake up in my right mind and have mobility of my limbs, the breath of life, etc, etc. The day just went from one dissapointment to the next without letting up–okay, it did let up but when you have nothing but yourself and you think in retrospect it can be slightly skewed.

It started when I checked my e-mail yesterday morning and saw that a deal fell through, then I went to work and sat in a meeting about the state of the company I heard about projects falling through and economic downturn and then I got home and thought about a friend I let fall through the cracks. In between all this news of things falling through, I had relatively high spirits. I kept my notebook with my Bible study notes and my Bible open to Proverbs 13:12, “Unrelenting dissapointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around.” That’s all I needed today, a good break.

I needed that when I woke up in the morning, there would be an e-mail that says “Congratulations the deal went through, here is your check.” Then when I sat through that meeting I needed them not to focus on economic downturn and the consequence thereof but to have a more obviously encouraging word and optimism that could keep me moving in the right direction. I needed that when I looked at my phone this evening and thought about reaching out to my friend that I didn’t feel like it was too little, too late and all my fault for being so high strung. 

The day ended with me crying. The first day in this new year that I have dropped a tear and it wasn’t because of anyone else but myself. I had to cry because I realized that all of the discontent heretofore is not because of other people but because of myself. You see, the deal this morning was simply me trying to make a profit off of something I probably have no business profiting off of. But I saw another friend’s great gain and thought I could do the same. I got shut down. And the situation at work and projects falling through and economic downturn, it’s our current reality so I can do nothing but deal with it. And that friend who I let fall through the cracks, well I let him fall through the cracks because I had a list a mile long of things I thought he did wrong but the reality of the situation is, I never came to him with that list and let him correct them, so of course I feel like a complete jerk now. 

This is a different kind of rough day because I am taking accountability for my emotions and not just seeking to blame the way I feel on other people. I could no longer be in denial, be delusional or place blame on anyone else. This was the reason why I was crying at the end of the evening. It’s so humbling when you turn the finger to point at you and realize that you can truly be your worst enemy. I wanted to pray and I could barely get any words out of my mouth save “God, just be enough for me.” At those words I turned out my light but couldn’t stop crying because of my current reality on Wednesday, January 14th at midnight. So, I did what I know how to do best, put my fingers and mind to work and shared it out through this post. I don’t have much more to say, but do know that my saying in this form has lifted my heart and spirits exponentially. I thank God for this gift–and for being the lifter of heavy burdens–and for you who thought it not robbery to read this.

Be Blessed

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