The Loudmouth Protestant

August 8, 2009

Becoming Fearless

Filed under: God,life — nickisym @ 4:02 pm
Tags: , ,

For as long as I can remember, but only realizing within the last few months, my life has been governed by fear. It has rendered me incapable of launching forth and doing the things I know I have been put here to do. This fear has also bound God’s hands and rendered him slightly (slightly since He can still work in spite of us) incapable of working the way He wants to in my life.

For the last few years I have talked about my protracted singleness and this morning I realized that I am actually more to blame for my singleness than is God for making me wait. This year I’ve had several potential opportunities for companionship and I’ve blown them all because I was fearful. I found reasons not to engage my potential suitors on a deeper level and pointed the finger at them–I called them too aggressive and too old–instead of launching into the great unknown and seeing what might be there for me. Essentially I have been living under the fear of the unknown in regards to matters of the heart. I’ve taken guarding my heart to a whole new level and instead I don’t even let it see the light of day.

Professionally I have been holding back for some time. My current job has been an amazing blessing and it has developed me into a pretty good writer and editor and speaker and intellectual mind. One job did all that, really it did. One job that God brought me to. Now I am faced with what to do with all that talent and one of the things I know I have to do more is launch forth and do more freelance writing. But I’ve always been scared of freelancing because I’m scared of the rejection that seems inevitable. (And I’ll be honest, I can be sort of lazy and the thought of things not just coming to me seems unheard of.) So like Jazmine Sullivan said, “I’m scared to try because I’m scared I’ll fail.” Then the other side of this is that I am looking at going to graduate school and a part of going to graduate school is conquering the giant otherwise known as the GRE and thus conquering a giant known as mathematics. I’ve had a longtime hateful relationship with math. It dates back to the days when my dad use to try and tutor me and all I knew how to do was break down and cry. It’s no different today. The tears well up though they may not fall. But that too is a fear. Fear that I’ll never be good at math because I sit there and say I’ll never be good at math.

And let’s not even talk about how fear is effecting my spiritual life. Suffice to say that I haven’t fully surrendered because I know deep down inside that once I do, my life as I know it will be totally changed. What’s ironic is that many look at me and think I have it all together in this department and I don’t feel like I do at all. Looks can be deceiving and even I know that there is more that he requires of me.

I am now putting myself in the position to confront this fear so that greater works can be done in my life. I’m tired of living a life below the standards that God has set for me. I need to start living the “His perfect love casts out all fear” kind of life. The “fear not, be of courage” kind of life. The “God did not give me a spirit of fear but of love, power and self-discipline” kind of  life. The fearless life that God secured for us when Jesus died on the cross for us.

So, as a good friend told me when I admitted to her that I think my progress has been stifled by a life frozen by fear, “Don’t let your past fears be your present. And don’t use your present to think about your past fears. Press forward and fear no more!”

Advertisements

2 Comments »

  1. good for you..and i hope to hear the progress you’ll be making. =)

    Comment by chin — August 23, 2009 @ 2:09 pm | Reply

  2. Thanks for speaking into what I am feeling and thinking. Be blessed !

    Comment by tim — March 23, 2010 @ 11:14 am | Reply


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: