The Loudmouth Protestant

June 14, 2010

Getting Out of My Dreams

Filed under: dreams,faith,God — nickisym @ 6:27 pm
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I have a pretty active dream life. The kind where things happen in the dream and I wake up the next morning thinking they happened in real life. The kind that make me wake up and wonder what God is trying to tell me. Last night I had one of those dreams…

I was on a field trip with some school kids. I don’t know whether I was their teacher or a parent, all I know is that I was there. I have no idea where we were save for the fact that when we arrived at our destination we were facing a very large building with multiple flights of stairs leading to the top. We weren’t told what was at the top of that building, all we knew is that we had to climb the stairs to find out.

The first few flights were the easiest to navigate. The students and I were talking casually and breathing easily. But suddenly, all of the students I was making the journey with began to dissappear. One by one it was as if they evaporated into the air. They didn’t fall of the stairs, they just disappeared. Suddenly I was climbing the stairs all by myself. The higher I went, the more challenging it became to go to the next level. But, somehow, I was determined to always go to the next flight of stairs. I had to continuously stop myself from looking down because at the point that I was making this journey by myself, looking down would remind me how impossibly high up I was and how I had to continue climbing because making the journey back down wasn’t an option. I had gone too far to turn around.

Finally, I reached the final flight of stairs, but what separated that final flight and the flight I was standing on was a big gaping hole, a mass of air and space that I had to figure how to navigate it to ascend the last flight. There was only one thing I could do. Jump, no LEAP, to the final flight of stairs that would lead me to the “God knows what” at the top of the building. Sure, I had to contend with the possibility of leaping and missing the final flight of stairs only to plummet to my death. But, I believed that there was going to be something to propel me toward those stairs so that I could make it to the top of the building. I felt it was my destiny.

So, putting aside every random thought, I set my mind on moving forward and leaping. When I took the leap, it seemed like I spent an eternity in that time and space, but I did finally end up making it to that last flight of stairs. I was all by myself ascending the last flight to see what was in store for me at the top of that building…

I wish that I could tell you what was at the top of the building, but I can’t. I woke up before I could find that out. Suffice to say,  I’m sure that whatever was waiting for me at the top of the building was going to be a sight to behold, but what was more powerful was the journey it took to get there in the first place. The faith and perserverance that was necessary to keep going up. Even that leap and the time it took for me to float between one flight to the final is telling of our own personal journeys. We may be suspended in time for a while, God’s time, while He prepares things for us on the other side. Nevertheless, we have to continue to move forward without looking back or down. We have to take a leap of faith. We have to trust that in taking that leap, God is not going to let us fall but that He will, literally, be the wind beneath our wings to keep us in flight. All He wants to know is that we trust Him enough to keep moving forward and up in Him, even when it seems like a crazy thing to do. Sort of like climbing stairs on the outside of a building to get to the top to see something, only God knows what.

June 10, 2008

The Thing About Fathers

Filed under: dreams,God,love,relationships,singleness — nickisym @ 10:47 am
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My father and I have an interesting relationship. I liken it to a ride on a roller-coaster. Sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down but it is always guaranteed to be an interesting ride. He is always trying to tell me something that I feel I already know. Always trying to teach me something in what I consider to be my old age. Always trying to preach to me when I feel I am already full of the word. Always trying to warm up to me when I feel I’ve reached my maximum temperature of comfortability. I doth protest with him much. And I feel, in some ways, that my relationships with my earthly father, mirrors the one that I have with my spiritual Father. Abba Father. I don’t listen as I should. Don’t speak to him as much as I should. Don’t love on him or tell him I love him as much as I should. But nevertheless he never leaves me nor forsakes and always sends his message to me by any means necessary and at the most unlikely times. He did this last night.

As I tossed and turned in the night in the midst of the New York heat wave, I had a dream about God where God sent me a message. My dream involved a man who has been starring in my dreams for the last few years. An old friend who I have written about on this blog many times. In this dream it seemed as if we reunited. I don’t know how it happened, but before I knew it, he was at my parent’s old house in New York. We were meeting to have dinner–I was cooking of course. This would be the first time in years since I had seen him, so I was a excited and hopeful that this meant we could pick up where we left off.

When he walked into the house and stood at the entrance of our hallway, I walked quickly toward him to embrace him, but he gave me the weakest hug I have ever received. I was a bit dissapointed in his inability to tighten his grip on an old friend but nevertheless I pressed on and had him sit down for dinner. I prepared Kima Mutter, an Indian dish comprised of ground beef–or ground turkey–well seasoned with mixed vegetables and served over a bed of rice. But for a dish I have made several times for myself, I messed this batch up. In the midst of serving dinner, my father sat down at the table with my long lost friend. He didn’t bother to leave us alone. I rolled my eyes and told my mom to take him away, but she ignored me and walked into the other room. I don’t remember if I nudged my dad or asked him to leave but in a moment he said no because he didn’t like my long lost friend. And just like that my friend vanished from the table and my father proceeded to tell me that he is not good for me. I tried to refute the point but my mouth was closed shut and the case was closed. After my father’s last words, the dream was over and I woke up wondering if God had just spoken to me about this man. I didn’t think too hard about it and went back to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, something in my heart had changed. I had this feeling that God really did speak to me in the dream. He was speaking through my father, who many times has judged a man and been on target with his analysis. I couldn’t believe it, but I could all at the same time. God rendered his judgment quick and fast and in the moment he spoke, there wasn’t anything I could say.

For what felt like the first time in my life, I heard His voice clearly. And for what may be the first time in my life–well maybe not, but concerning this issue-I am hearing Him and heeding His word. There are far too many times in our lives when we think we know what is best for us and we refuse to listen to God. And even as single men and women, we spend lots of time wondering if the last good thing we had was supposed to be “the one.” But it is the last thing God says that sets the path for our lives and it is important that we hear Him out. I know I heard him last night and I am ready to let it go. I know what He has for me is so much better than what I had. Father always knows best.

March 7, 2008

He’s Back

For the first time in 2008, the star of my dreamscapes has decided to make a cameo appearance. This time I faintly know why he was in my subconscious. It was mainly because I happened to see him on the latest social network craze and I let technology kill the cat. So yesterday evening when I finally lay me down to sleep it went a little something like.

I was at a friend’s house party of sorts. I recall there being two-floors in her home and I was navigating my way through the house until I settle on a position in the kitchen behind the counter. There I was leaning on the countertop and who was directly in front of me on the floor with a young lady but the man of the hour. Though I was leaning on the counter and talking to a friend it seemed that my attention was focused on him and his attention was focused on the young lady he was on the floor with. The girl was attempting to show affection to him via putting her arms around him or giving him kisses on his cheek but he declined every advance that she made. He mushed her in the face, he pushed her away, he did everything in his power to keep her away but she wasn’t taking a hint. I was watching and not watching this all go down.

Nevertheless I ended up sitting on the floor near them chatting with my friend and in the blink of an eye the entire room turned into an orgy. (I kid you not!) One second everyone was laughing and chatting and the next every single person in the room was on top of each other including the star. Well as soon as I saw this, I got up and I left the house because I was devastated. I was shattered into pieces. And that was the end of the dream. Fade to black.

So when I woke up this morning I was distraught. This always happens to me after vivid dreams. They get into my spirit and they make me sad. I was sad because he came back and sad because even in the dream he chose to be with someone else. I thought I was over this I told God as I prayed this morning and I prayer that this moment would pass as quickly as it came and that he would help me to guard my heart, my mind and my eyes in the days to come. With that I went on my way and I didn’t put much thought into it after that. I decided that I wouldn’t spend anymore time thinking about it or talking about it until God spoke to my situation through a Myron Butler song. Now some of you may know how desperate I was to get the CD last year and I finally relented and bought it on iTunes. Well I am so thankful that I did because it got me through today. God showed himself to me through track number 2 on “Stronger” which is entitled “More Than You’ll Ever Know.” The moment when God shook me out of my subconscious funk happened when I heard this:

(more…)

February 1, 2008

Can Dreams Have a Threshold?

Filed under: dreams,life — nickisym @ 11:10 pm

A few days ago I was having a discussion with a friend about dreams. Not the dreams one has when they enter into rapid eye movement sleep, but as in the bigger passions we all have for ourselves. The dreams one person has to become an actor, a model, open their own business, write a book, become a mother, a wife, etc. We work all of our lives trying to pursue those dreams and sometimes it is to no avail so my question is, “When do we give up?” How long does it take for one to realize that their dream is not deferred but it has been denied?

  I have no real answer to this question, but I am just wondering…   

October 19, 2007

And I Wake Up Alone…

Filed under: dreams,love,music,relationships — nickisym @ 8:35 pm
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If you haven’t been able to tell, I listen very closely to my music. Just as the Spirit searches the deep things of God, I search for the deep meanings of the music I listen to. I believe there are way too many people that listen to music but they have no idea what the message is—and most times they don’t even know the words. They also have no idea how that message relates to them.

Some say that music has a spirit—be it good or bad—and I do believe that is true. Some of the music is made by troubled spirits yet it still delivers a poignant message. There is also music made by good spirits that doesn’t deliver anything. A perfect example of poignant music by a troubled spirit is “Wake Up Alone” by Amy Winehouse. Most of us know her story—if you don’t, she is addicted to drugs, not trying to go to Rehab and her career is suffering because of it. “Wake Up Alone” came to me this afternoon as I let my iPod shuffle my song library. My ears perked up when it began to play because I remember how I felt when I first heard the song. It caught me in a moment when I was being plagued by dreams of a man I knew. Today I listened with even more intent because I was reminded of Winehouse’s current troubles and how amazing her talent is. I hope above all hopes that she gets through this.

In the meantime, I will continue to appreciate her music and send her good thoughts. Here are the lyrics from her song “Wake Up Alone” off her sophomore album “Back to Black.”

It’s okay in the day I’m staying busy
Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I’m not drinking
Run around just so I don’t have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets

This face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone

If I was my heart
I’d rather be restless
The second I stop the sleep catches up and I’m breathless
This ache in my chest
As my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now
My blood running cold
I stand before him
It’s all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me
I drip for him tonight
Drowning in me we bathe under blue light

His face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone

September 29, 2007

Dream, Dream, Dream

Filed under: dreams,life,randomness — nickisym @ 12:12 pm
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By now you all know that I have an active dream life. Maybe you would typify it as overactive. Last night I welcomed my latest dreamscape which was my most disturbing to date. I guess it could be called a nightmare, but it wasn’t scary as much as it was utterly disturbing.

I fell asleep last night in a rather strange manner. The tv, computer and my lights were on. My clothes from the previous day were still on and I was sleeping on top of the covers. This probably has no bearing on why my dream was the way it was but I thought I’d give you a setting.

Now to the dream.

It was like any ordinary day except my ordinary day was taking place in London. It appears that I lived in London–which isn’t too far fetched because my fantasy is to move to London and work in a pastry shop. Some of my good friends were also with me and we were all hanging outside of a local shop. While we were all chatting our recently married friends came up to us. They looked rather flustered and kind of unhinged but their presence was short-lived. Next thing I know, I was on an escalator heading up to a beauty salon. I was waiting for a very long time to be served when I decided to look in my compact mirror only to be taken aback…My two front teeth were missing. I screamed internally and closed my mouth immediately. I looked again throughout the course of the day only to realize that they were still missing. I was scared to death because of all teeth to have missing I figured that it shouldn’t be my two front teeth. I also didn’t know why they were missing. There was never a sign of them being loose and my teeth were in excellent condition, so I couldn’t figure out why they were gone. I didn’t even know where they went. I managed to keep my mouth closed throughout the course of my time in the salon, but I was torn up inside.

I awoke this morning still very disturbed and of course I went to the mirror to check to see if they were still there. (They are). After my quiet time, I decided to look up the meaning of lost teeth in a dream dictionary online and here is what it had to say:

“A dream about losing teeth, or discovering missing teeth, can indicate a feeling or a fear that something has caused you to lose a healthy balance within your physical body or within your mental state or life.”

Hmm interesting…I won’t tell…

August 31, 2007

He Won’t Leave Me Alone

Filed under: dreams,God — nickisym @ 6:06 pm

Long ago I knew this man–or maybe then he was only a boy–but nevertheless I knew him. Not in the biblical sense of “knowing” another, but I knew him well enough to believe that I could give him the good parts of myself. After almost three years of knowing this young man, giving him the best tangibles and intangibles of myself and crying countless times over him because I was forever in the darkness with him, I let it go. I cut him cold turkey save for one Easter Sunday when I wanted to get closure about the “us” that never existed. By the grace of God my period of heartbreak was easy. It took a lot of praying, digging in his word and reading relevant books but He saw me through.

But there is one thing that has been bothering me for the past 2.5 years. The fact that though he doesn’t exist in my immediate reality, he exists in my dreams more vividly than he ever existed in my life. Last night was the most recent of these dreamscapes.

It was me and about four other women whom had some connection to him in a previous or current life and then there was me. The two of us made plans to go out, but these four girls were also waiting for him to arrive for some reason unknown to me.  When he finally arrived, he was in utter shock that all of these women were waiting for him and so he tried to make amends with each of them except for me. As he spoke to each each of them, his words where inaudible to me but he knew that I was within earshot.

After he spoke to the last of the women, he stood in the middle of us. It was four of them, him in the middle and me on the other side. He was motionless and his eyes dilated and the next thing I know, he fainted. As the weight of his body turned to that of lead and slowly inched toward the floor, I raced toward him quick enough to catch his fall. The other women stood by and watched as I caught him and braced his head and neck so they wouldn’t break under the pressure of the fall and I secured his upper body in my arms. (I told you the dreams are vivid). After a while he came to and all I can remember is that he got up and walked away and off the canvas of my dream.

So when I awoke this morning I was distressed. Distressed that I could have dreams about someone whom I don’t even speak to anymore and haven’t for years. Dreams about someone whom I know nothing about save for what Myspace let me know a year ago. I was distressed to the point of tears–which I held back because like MJB said “I’m Not Gon’ Cry.” I prayed to God to take that cup away from me.

But now I want to find meaning in these recurring dreams of him. They aren’t all as melancholy as I described. Most have favorable endings, but why must I have them? I have prayed to God so many times for Him to wipe the slate clean and erase my memory of him. And it isn’t to say He didn’t do it because 98% of my mindscape is free of thoughts of him, but what of the 2% which occur in dreams???

Is it possible that I have unfinished business? (Oh please God don’t let that be the case.) I mean aren’t we supposed to just leave some people alone. Like a pastor said in Bible Study a few months back, “throw them off the boat.” Then if that is the case, can they be thrown out of my dreamboat too?

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