The Loudmouth Protestant

July 21, 2010

My Testimony: I’ll Trust You, Part 2

Filed under: life,waiting on God — nickisym @ 8:00 am

In the previous post, you’ll recall that I mentioned that I was preparing for something at the same time as the young man was preparing for his pivotal moment. But, as I do more often than not, I was more consumed with helping others than helping myself. It was easier for me to encourage and pray for someone else than it was to encourage and pray for myself. But now that he was gone I was left to my own devices and God finally had me where He wanted me.

You see, after nearly eight years of wavering on going back to school, God finally gave me the green light to go back, but it wasn’t for what I thought it would be. For as long as I have been a journalist in New York I have always harbored thoughts of going to Columbia University to get my Master’s in journalism. A Master’s degree from Columbia was a stamp of approval in the industry, it opens doors that no mortal can open. So, to me, that was always going to be the school I applied to on the day I decided to apply to graduate school. But for many years I kept letting application deadlines pass. Then, because I started to work with religion and spirituality as my full-time job at Beliefnet.com, I saw that Columbia had a dual master’s degree in journalism and religious studies and that became something to aspire to. I spent a while researching the program and its requirements and then, just like the journalism program, I let the application deadline pass. But this time around there was something different about my consideration of this program. I felt that I was closer to my next step in life. I was thrilled to life and scared to death but I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit that I also thought the program would be too difficult and challenging for me.

I let some more time pass before I started to think about school again and this time, a friend, who is a peer in the industry, asked if I ever considered seminary. Mind you this friend doesn’t know much about me, personally, but somehow he discerned enough to suggest this (that, to me, is God). When he asked, I didn’t scoff, I actually walked away from the conversation and began to pray about it.

No sooner than my knees lifted off the floor and I began to move, the work of looking into different seminaries took place. God was opening doors and telling me who I should talk to regarding this next step in my life and soon enough I had a list of schools to consider. Princeton, Yale, Union, Duke, Drew, and Emory. Those were the six schools that I was considering. I knew someone at all of those schools except for one and so that one is where I started my research. I first visited the school’s website where immediately the images of the campus and the chapel blew me away. I could feel the breeze through the trees through my computer. I could feel the energy and spirit of the campus coursing through my veins. As I read about the academic program, the concentrations and the contextual education, I felt drawn to the program. Feeling this strongly about what I read on the website, I wasted no time in booking a flight to check out the school during the open house weekend and thanks be to God I could afford to book the ticket and get the rental car because of a gift card I had received.

Upon arriving on the campus on a chilly evening, I was greeted by various faculty, administration, current and prospective students. It was a nice and warm place and though I had taken this journey alone, I didn’t feel alone because every other person in the room was searching for something bigger than themselves. Even in the moments where I was tempted to be sad because everyone had brought a plus one–be it their parents, their significant others or their best friends, I knew that I wasn’t really alone. I spent the weekend immersing myself in the school, absorbing everything from the brief lectures on Systematic Theology and Christian Ethics, to the stories current students told about how they came to the school, to fellowshipping with the prospective students. From that short weekend with that group of people, I felt a true sense of community and a connection that I knew I wanted. This was the fall of 2009, October to be exact, and the application deadline was January 15th. That meant that I had a little over two months to gather the courage to put my faith in motion and apply.

Over the next two months, I prayed, I sought counsel from trusted friends and family and I spoke with a leader in my dance ministry. The latter conversation took place in late November 2009 during a rehearsal for our church’s annual Christmas Candlelight service. I had so much on my mind that I had decided not to minister for Candlelight but instead take the time to be still. With tears in my eyes, I shared this with one of the leaders of the ministry and told her how seminary came into view. I was crying because having the words come out of my mouth made me feel like I had no other choice but to move forward. I knew my words would be manifest sooner rather than later. That evening she told me that I should move in the direction I felt God was calling me to and in moving in that direction, He will reveal His plan. She even told me that she would be a reference should I decide to move forward with the application process. And so, with that, I walked away from the rehearsal with moving forward in mind.

On December 1 I started my application to the school. I gathered my references, started to think about my personal essay and did the necessary reading for the academic essay. During my annual Christmas vacation, God blessed me with the theme of my personal essay–of which I will share in the next installment  of the series. Though I started writing the essay in Orlando I couldn’t finish it. No matter how hard I tried, how many words I wrote, how much time I spent, the words just weren’t flowing. But who came to help me finish the essay?

Remember the young man that arrived on January 1 and was taken away two months later? Well, he is partially the reason why I was able to get the essay done. Him and Jonah (yeah, that Jonah). When he e-mailed me on January 1st, the subject line of the e-mail was “Decision” and in it he asked me if I had decided to apply to seminary–he knew I was considering it because of an e-mail correspondence we had in November. I responded and told him that I had decided to move forward with applying and I was working on my personal essay, to which he responded by sharing with me the sermon from his church’s New Year’s Eve service on Jonah.

It was in sheer amazement that I read his notes from the sermon because I’ve heard Jonah sermons multiple times in my life. They’ve always coincided with what I was going through. Like the time I was running from something and I heard a Bible study about when Jonah was running away from his God-given assignment in Nineveh to rock the boat to Tarshish. The young man shared with me what happened when Jonah decided to do what God had told him to do–go to Nineveh– which resulted in his trip to Nineveh being shorter than usual.

“Now Nineveh was an exceedingly large city, a three days’ walk across. Jonah began to go into the city, going a days’ walk.”

Jonah 3:3b-4

A journey that was supposed to take three days only took one. I had read this book many times but I never paid attention to the fact that when Jonah decided to do what God told Him to do, his journey was much shorter for it. Before the young man shared this with me, I had decided that it was going to take one week to write my personal essay. But once I read his notes, did my own personal study on Jonah by going back to the previous sermons I’d heard, read the book of Jonah and read a commentary, I felt a determination unlike I had ever before. Thereafter, my best friend and I went to a local coffeehouse and I set forth to work on my personal essay. Three hours later, which was 21 hours and 6 days earlier than I had anticipated, I had finished my personal essay. I turned my laptop over to my best friend and I let her read it. She suggested some changes and edits and then we left the coffeehouse, me with a complete essay and the lesson learned that when you set forth to do what God told you to do, His timing is perfect and sometimes expedited. Later on that evening I thanked the young man for sharing that on-time word and I told him that I had completed the essay. (As I write this, I look back at that moment and think that maybe his purpose was for that moment and that moment alone and everything else was secondary. Only God knows…)

I eventually completed the application mere hours before the deadline, submitted it and all I had left to do was trust that God knew what He was doing and wait on Him. But little did I know, the application was hardly the hardest part…

April 22, 2010

Dear Successful Black Woman

I watched you last night on Nightline talking about how you can’t find a black man and I felt sorry for you. I felt sorry for you because I feel like you are beating a dead horse on this matter of not being able to find a black man. It started out that black women couldn’t find a good black man and then you went and added that you’re successful and you think because of your success black men are intimidated and as such your success protracts your singleness. I think you err in your perspective on the state of black men for black women and let me share with you why.

Now that you are successful, you talk a lot about that success. While making partner at your law firm, getting your PhD, leading a corporation, designing your own fashion line, hosting your own television show, and running the world around you at large is a great thing, it by no means defines you and makes you more of a great catch for the black man you are looking for. Your acquisition of positions of power doesn’t automatically translate to you becoming the woman of some man’s dreams. Who will care about your success if you have a hard heart and don’t even know how to love a man because all you know is your work? It is incredible that we, as black women, can finally rise through the ranks and run businesses and get the corner office, but remember, black men are doing the same thing, so there are very few intimidated by your success. And, if they are intimidated by your success, that’s their personal problem and insecurity that they need to deal with and your red flag that you need not worry about having a relationship with a man who prefers to be intimidated by your success rather than celebrate it.  But on the other hand,  maybe they are turned off by your glorifying your success more than who you are as a person. You are not your career. Seriously. None of us are our careers, so we all need to get out of this habit of using our jobs to validate who we are because clearly jobs are here today and gone tomorrow.  I once listened to a man tell me why he loves women. He talked about how we smell, the curvature of our bodies, our softness, the way we touch, our voices, our spirits, how we move…nowhere in there did he mention anything about our jobs, he was more impressed with how God created us. It is who we are as women that makes us beautiful and attractive to a man, any man. Sure he wants us to handle business but he doesn’t want that business to be what we use to define ourselves. The Proverbs 31 woman handled her business, but it’s the way she handled it that made her a woman to be praised. She wasn’t wagging her finger and talking about what she did, she just did it and took care of her home and most importantly, loved God.

But your success, isn’t really the issue here. What gave me pause when I watched you last night is that you were so intent on complaining about not getting a black man that you said nothing about getting love. The black man is not the issue, it’s your concept of love that is the issue. What you want is love. What you don’t realize is love might not be with a black man. It might be with a white man, Asian man, Indian man, Hispanic man….And that’s what so sad about this entire discourse on the lack of black men for successful black women. We are raking our brothers through the coals while not realizing that all of us are not meant to marry a black man. Yes, many of us want to be with a black man, it is our ideal. But we don’t not live in ideality, we live in reality. The reality is that we are all looking for love and that is the heart of this matter. It’s not about a black man or a black woman, it’s about two people finding each other and finding love with each other. But to find love we have to take the limits off of it. And to take it one step further, many of us are believing God for our mate, and if we are believing Him for a mate, how do we figure restricting our Boaz to a black man is helping God do what He does best? God knows what is best for you. For some of you, best might be a black man. But maybe for others, best might be a white man. And yet for others, best might be by yourself because there is so much work–not professional work, but vocational work or self work–that God has for you to do that He’s going to need you to be single for a little while longer than you anticipated. Black women, if what we want is love and we are trusting God to bring it to us, then we are going to have to do better at surrendering ourselves to what that love may be and what it may look like. We have to stop talking about not being able to find a good black man or a black man period and talk about finding love. I know in my heart what you want is love and I know that if you stopped limiting your thoughts on how that love is packaged you might actually be in love.

We have to stop giving Nightline, Dateline, 20/20, Newsweek, Essence, etc fodder for stories that are old news. Clearly with all of the time we’ve spent talking about our singleness and the lack of good black men the statistics still haven’t risen in our favor. Because of that, I implore you to start pointing the finger at yourself and stop pointing it at black men. Yeah, they carry part of the blame, but the amount might be minute compared to how we play a role in our protracted singleness. It’s time to be real with ourselves and talk about what we really want. We want love. I know I want love and I want it however it comes to me by God’s hand. I declare, “I’m not looking for a black man, I am looking for love.” The latter has far more permanence than the former, after all, God is love and He is forever. I’m trying to find my forever, aren’t you?

March 11, 2010

Where I Am…These Three Words

Filed under: God,life,waiting on God,worship — nickisym @ 12:50 pm
Tags: ,

It’s been a longtime, I know. I haven’t had the wherewithal to write lately because of everything going on in my life. But, I felt compelled to share with you this song which is so apropos to where I am in life right now. I don’t have much to say about the direction my life is going in right now except for these three words, “I Will Obey.”

December 16, 2009

All the Single Ladies…And Men “Wait”

Filed under: music,relationships,waiting on God — nickisym @ 11:00 am
Tags: , ,

I know that everyone is tired of hearing that chorus, but luckily I am not pushing the latest in Beyonce parodies. Not even close. I wanted to share the lyrics to a song I heard yesterday by Christian rap artist Lecrae. “Wait” is an ode to a girl in a relationship with the wrong guy and the primary red flag of this relationship is the fact that she has compromised her relationship with God to be with the guy. I felt compelled to share this because I am getting the feeling that there are alot of people out there compromising their relationship with God because they so desperately want a relationship with a man or a woman. They are tired of waiting.

I say this not as a woman sitting on a pedestal and looking down on anyone. No, I say this as a woman who has definitely had moments were I grew weary of waiting and had the opportunity to entertain relationships and even loose associations with people who aren’t in a relationship with God. And when I say relationship, I don’t mean that they know how to go to church on Sunday, pray before bed and can recite John 3:16. No, I’m talking about the kind of relationship with God where Sunday is a necessity not an obligation. Prayer is a requirement not a tradition. And scripture is daily bread not something seen on a t-shirt. Nevertheless, this isn’t about my take on unequally-yoked relationships and the danger of getting involved with a man or a woman who would compromise God’s best for you. So, without further delay–too late–I give you the lyrics to “Wait”.

Wait

by Lecrae

That man don’t love you like he need to

If he ain’t following Christ, he can’t lead you

I ain’t tryin’ to deceive you

I know he look better than most men

But without Christ, looks are no reason for bragging and boasting

You got your heart on him

Now you can’t depart from him

You knew from the beginning not to even start on him

Compromising your faith for sex

Hurting yourself and God

Cause you outside of marital context

What’s next?

Mami show respect for your body

Instead of getting naked and naughty

Like sex is a hobby

You know what you’re supposed to do

Let him loose and cling to the God that wants to get close to you

You’ve been blessed as a chosen few

Mami, if ain’t rollin’ wit Christ

Then don’t let him roll wit you

Cause you’ve been blessed as a chosen few

And if ain’t rollin’ wit God

Then don’t let him roll wit you

WAIT!

I know you’re the apple of momma’s eye

A star in your daddy’s sky

But God knows you living a lie

You giving a guy, everything your husband deserves

It’s absurd

Don’t follow your feelings, just follow The Word

You wanna be in a relationship

Well, you can give him your all, but how deep can the relations get

If your God’s on the sideline

You won’t be happy I promise

Until you understand, that God is the lifeline

He ain’t pleased with lust

So even if it feels right

Remember, he ain’t pleased with us, when we

Let our emotions loose without a ring on the finger

It’s only gonna come back to sting ya

Don’t let the singers sing you sweet lullabies

Without giving The King’s sweet love a try

It ain’t none better

Who else you know,that would give up his life

Just to love you forever

WAIT!

I know you thought that ya’ll could win together

Ya’ll been together

But all ya’ll do is sin together

You’re wasting your own time

You keep deceiving your mind

Saying that this is part of God’s design

Knowing he treating you good

Know his ways is nice

But he can’t love you like he should

He’s not engaged to Christ

And you know this ain’t the man for you

But you hold on like God ain’t got better plans for you

The whole worlds says ‘you should be dating’

God says you should be serving him while your patiently waitin’

Everybody rushin and racin

Huggin’ and kissin’ and hold hands, all before their days end

Yea, I know it’s hard but TRUST

I wouldn’t waste my breath on this song if it wasn’t a MUST

The same God that made you

The same God that died for your sins and saved you

HE ain’t tryin’ to play you, WAIT!

CHORUS:

Your ready to go’..wait!

Can’t take no more’.wait!

I know it’s hard but, God is never late

Don’t follow your feelings’wait!

Just follow HIS Will and’..wait!

Girl, serve the Lord and don’t anticipate.

WAIT!

May 22, 2009

He Is Sovereign

I am in one of those moods again…I haven’t been here in about a year, but I guess in the devil’s time he would need me to return to my former self, just for a minute, thinking I will brood in this mood long enough to reverse the work God has done in me. But little does he know, God is going to get the glory, right here and right now. I’m not even going to put words to what my mood is, though you can read about if you click on the link in the first sentence. All I will say is I trust HIM and HIM alone. HE is sovereign and to that end, I submit this song to every woman and man who is waiting in God’s will for God’s will to be done. Be steadfast and unmoveable…

May 19, 2009

Songs For Your Wait

I happened to be checking the search terms that have brought people to my blog and I noticed that one of them was “songs about waiting for God’s will.” And since I consider myself the princess of contemporary gospel music, I thought I’d offer my personal picks for songs to listen to while you tarry.

  1. “I Don’t Mind Waiting” Juanita Bynum: I discovered this song a couple of months ago while listening to Pandora—which I have to thank for much of my new music acquisitions over the last few months. We all know Bynum as a troubled woman of sorts, but I will not refute her ability to minister through her own brokenness and she does so masterfully in this song. All she does is repeat the phrase, “I don’t mind waiting”. And you know? That’s all that necessary because it’s the repetition that cements the lesson.
  2. “I Trust You” James Fortune & Fiya: I heard this song during one of my weekends in Atlanta last fall. Every time I got into a car, this song would play. It was the theme of the weekend and I felt as though God needed me to hear it because it was during a time when I had some decisions to make. He needed me to know that of all the people I could run to, He’s the safest place and he will lead me to the right place.
  3. “Victory” Brenda Water: My best friend used to play this song frequently when we lived together. It seemed like every morning I woke up to Brenda Waters’ singing, “I don’t know how, God’s gonna do it.” There were times when I was annoyed because she was one of those people who, when they liked a song and played it, they’d let it repeat over and over again. But when she let me borrow the CD once day, I ended up doing the same thing. Waters core message is that despite not knowing when God will come through for us, He will come through, and when He does there will be victory.
  4. “God’s Will Is What I Want” New G & Ricky Dillard: One Sunday morning our splendiferous-ly wonderful young adult choir sung this song and I couldn’t help but jump to my feet. Many of the older congregants didn’t understand what the choir was singing because the “God’s Will Is What I Want” chorus is repeated quite swiftly but once they caught on, the church was jamming. And the song is just simple. “God Is What I Want” is repeated so many times that even if you didn’t want it in the beginning you will want it in the end.
  5. “There Is No Place” Fred Hammond: I love me some Fred Hammond. Before him, I had no idea gospel music, music to my Lord and Savior, could be so romantic—I’m serious about this. Well that’s beside the point but I had to just say that. Anyways, this song came to me a few years ago when Hammond’s CD “Free to Worship” was released. It’s it about the will of God and the fact that there is no place better than being in it.  Simply put.
  6. “If It’s Not You” Joann Rosario: As a single woman, I am always tempted to go out and rectify my singleness situation by myself, but by doing so, I’d get myself in a whole heap of trouble and that’s where Joann Rosario’s song comes in. I heard this song one day I couldn’t help but rejoice at the fact that God sent me a reminder in song form that I can’t even waste an iota of time dealing with anyone who isn’t Him, for Him, or from Him. I listen to this song when I am feeling vulnerable and am in the position to compromise myself and go outside of His will. Once Rosario sings, “If it’s not you, I don’t want it at all. If it’s not You, Lord You’re the real, real. There’s nobody else I can trust with my heart. So I stand assured, Lord You are the real.”I just let those words minister to my heart and it helps me to remember that God is the lover of my soul.

Interestingly enough, as I wrote this list, and noticed that many of the songs lead with trust instead of out rightly speaking about God’s will, I realized it was important to mention that trust is the necessary part of waiting for God’s will to be manifested in your life. We can’t earnestly wait if we aren’t honestly trusting God. Trust Him fully, surrender yourself and your notion of preference and wait on the Lord to do His work.

So that’s my list, not at all comprehensive. What would you add?

January 8, 2009

I Don’t Mind Waiting

Sometimes it is just a simple word or a phrase that can rise up in your spirit and carry you through an entire day, week, month or season of life. “I Don’t Mind Waiting” is one of those phrases and lucky for me–because of my love of music–it conveniently came packaged in song form. I managed to track the song in it’s full-length version on YouTube and was so blessed in my hearing and seeing of it that I had to share it.

Disclaimer: I know some of you may have a problem with the artist, but for one second, take a step back and let it minister to you. I promise, it will bless you.

June 6, 2008

Promotion from Above

Filed under: God,life,Uncategorized,waiting on God,work — nickisym @ 1:06 am

Today I went through my annual performance review. I felt pretty confident going in because I knew that I was working hard and becoming an invaluable asset. My boss told me that I was doing an excellent job but as if he was doling out the good news to fill me up on sweets only to drill into my tooth later, he then dropped the bomb that I wouldn’t be getting a title change. I was shocked and slightly appalled because I knew I was working hard and previous conversations seemed to allude to it going in that direction. I asked about this title change with tears in my eyes and a frog in my throat because I believed I deserved it. As he was telling me that it wasn’t going to happen for several reasons, including the fact that others had been there for many years preceding their promotion, I died inside. I didn’t know what to do with this information.

How was I supposed to receive the fact that I wasn’t going to get title change despite the fact that more work–not just busy work but work important to the development of the company–was being added to my plate? How was I suppose to receive the fact that my reviews pen me as a wonderful employee but I have nothing to show for it? All of the pleasure in my accomplishments thus far went down the drain and a cloud hung over my head for the next hour. I went straight to my desk and put on my iPod and for no particular reasons I played Rev. Ernest Davis’ “He’s Preparing Me.” As I listened to the song, tears streamed down my face. I felt kind of lost and felt like I had gone everywhere and nowhere at all in my position. I couldn’t even explain why I was crying and didn’t really want to stop because I knew it had to happen.

I chatted with a friend over IM shortly after my meeting ended and she did a lot to calm me down and then I remembered something I learned in Bible Study. Our teacher told us that we must stay in trust that God will reward us for the work we do. He said not to look for approval from people at work, in ministry, our family or our friends, but look up. And with that the cloud above my head started to dissipate. So as I write this I am reminded not only of the message my Bible Study teacher left me with but of a scripture from Psalm 75:6-7:

For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south. But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another.

November 18, 2007

Accept Nothing Less…

Filed under: God,love,relationships,Uncategorized,waiting on God — nickisym @ 12:43 am
Tags:

Proverbs 10:22: The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow with it.

This scripture was illuminated to me in a prayer during a women’s workshop I attended this morning. As soon as the prayer ended I opened my Bible to highlight it only to find out that I had already done that, so instead I put an asterisk by the scripture because I had a revelation on its meaning in my life and the lives of those around me that I’d like to share with you.

Like many women, I struggle with letting go of past hurts and only today did I decide to admit that I am heartbroken. That the dreams that I have and the person that sometimes consumes my thoughts to the point of sickness is indeed someone who at a point in life had my heart. But today I received my breakthrough through this scripture.

According to the scripture, the “blessing” of the Lord makes one rich. It is his “blessing” that makes us rich, meaning that anything he ordains for us makes us abundantly supplied with joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. His blessing adds value to our life and takes nothing away. That means that every relationship within God’s will adds richness into your life. But, if you pursue or have a relationship that is not within God’s will for your life, then you can surely expect the second part of the scriptural equation, the sorrow.

When you don’t wait for God’s blessing on your relationships and you decide to go for self instead of wait for the spirit, rest assured your relationship will crash and burn. If you notice that you spend more time being frustrated, upset, confused and compromising your integrity for the sake of keeping a relationship you should take a step back and figure out when last you heard from God. Realize he doesn’t put us in precarious situations so that we can figure our way out–his word says that he provides a way out of temptation. He doesn’t give us a man that is less than what we would have expected. He fulfills the desires of our heart but he does it in such a way that it is always exceedingly, abundantly over anything we could ask, think or imagine. If you are waiting on God to send a helpmate to you, realize that God will not send you a man that has baggage. A man that can’t commit to you. A man that can’t be honest with you. A man that doesn’t believe in God–or one that does but is duplicitous in his behavior. The list goes on and on. But I say all of that to say that you should not confuse God’s blessing with your mess. Recognize the importance of waiting on God’s blessing in your life and not just in your relationships but in every part of your life.

It’s time for us to acknowledge the way God works in our lives and realize that if we are following Him we never have to accept less.

November 6, 2007

Accutane v. Adonai

Filed under: beauty,God,waiting on God — nickisym @ 12:49 am
Tags: , ,

By now most of you know that I am a very transparent person. I’ve often considered renaming this blog “Truly Transparent” because I think my transparency has spoken more volumes than my alleged loudmouth-ness so what am I going to talk about tonight? Skin care of course.

For those of you unfamiliar with the first word in the headline, Accutane is the most powerful acne drug on the market. It is touted as being the one drug that can–with a several-month course–banish acne from problem skin. But with that much power also comes problems. The drug can produce incredibly heinous side effects, the most severe of which can find an individual tempted to commit suicide. A little off-putting? Not to some. The most common of all side effects experienced are extreme dry skin and chapped lips, but it’s a small price to pay for clear skin, I think.

So my current battle is my consideration of taking this drug. Some of you may know me and have seen me and so you might think–“Oh it’s not that bad, you don’t need to take such extreme measures.” But you see me when I am on at least two medications and there are rarely times when my skin isn’t doped up on acids. If not for my continuous use of such drugs, I probably wouldn’t see the light of day. But I have reached my wits end with my skin and in an attempt to take control of it, I spoke to my doctor about Accutane a few months ago. He told me to take some time to think about it while he prescribed me another course of action–an oral and topical medication–believe me I’ve tried lots of stuff. Once he told me a little about the drug, he handed me a little card listing all the side effects on one side and pregnancy warnings on the other. I read it on my way to work and though I was shocked at the severity of the effects and even the fact that this drug could kill a fetus, I decided it still is not enough for me to not consider.

So one week ago I followed up with my doctor and he saw that it was clearly time for me to go on Accutane–my skin is like a tempermental kid, if you don’t give it what it wants, it acts up. We talked about the percentage of his patients that have the heinous side effects, and the side effects that I might experience and within minutes I was on my way to starting the process that could change my life. I start in a little less than a month and before then I have to do two blood test and fill out some papers promising I won’t get pregnant. But now I am wondering if I am not trusting God enough to be my healer? Or is this what he would have me do since he created the person that invented the drug to heal millions?

You see I have encountered a few people who have said they prayed for their skin to clear up and in just a matter of time it did. I don’t know what else they did besides pray over their skin, but I guess it doesn’t matter if you truly believe in the power of God. After I heard about the first person who told me they prayed about their skin, I tried it, but I just felt really strange about it and I also figured that God is a helper not a doer so if I am doing all I can in the name of good skin, won’t he help me in that, not just magically zap it away because I say so.

I’ve been praying to God that His will be done in the situation and that he would heal me and make me comfortable in my own skin for the time being. I’ve prayed that he would equip me with self-confidence on days when I don’t feel beautiful because I feel my skin is louder than I am. I want to say that I am at a lost but I know that I am not. I would like to think that my taking this drug is not going outside of His will but who knows. All I do know is that I long for the day when I can wake up, look in the mirror and clearly see who I am underneathe it all. And it this point, I am willing to get that by any means necessary.

Next Page »

Blog at WordPress.com.